


i'll come in second to me

by junhao



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alpha Lee Chan | Dino, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Fluff, Growing Up, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mates, Misunderstandings, Omega Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, happy dino day!, smattering of side pairings, to be VERY clear: no smut goes on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 18:52:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17730689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junhao/pseuds/junhao
Summary: chan meets his mate as a freshman in high school but says nothing about it until he is a freshman in college and finds that he might have made the wrong decision in doing so.





	i'll come in second to me

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday channie!!!! you deserve all the smooches in the world and all the softest things to lay on too! i hope today is a great day for you as well (’:
> 
> this is a complicated au tbh since i kind of just wrote my feelings away with it, so if there are things i should mention in the tags that i haven't already, just comment and i'll add it. this also isn't meant to portray a 100% healthy relationship and i should point out that this is all in chan's pov, but his pov isn't completely correct either. take these facts with a grain of salt, please. i left the ending as an open one so that you can think of what happens between soonchan after in whatever way you think suits them best by that point.
> 
> cross-posted on tumblr [here](http://junhaoclub.tumblr.com/post/182714591659/ill-come-in-second-to-me)

When Chan meets Soonyoung, it feels like his heart just found its home.

Soonyoung is all bright smiles and loud pranks with Seokmin and Seungkwan, but he’s also inexplicably soft. When Minghao introduces them at the dance team tryouts, Soonyoung immediately embraces Chan in a hug and hangs off him from his very neck while Chan tries not to have a heart attack. Minghao gives him a knowing smile then leaves them to it and Chan goes out of his way to be polite to the captain of the dance team.

No need to mention that Chan is only fourteen and a dweeby freshman who just so happens to be an alpha while Soonyoung is seventeen and a really cool senior that all the omegas fawn over just for being a respectful beta. Soonyoung is sweet and kind and he smells like all of Chan’s favorite things (licorice, sun-warmed leather, wet grass, and old books), but most importantly, Soonyoung smells like  _ his _ . Chan can already sense their natural scents mixing together in a way that makes his insides feel all warm and gooey while his inner alpha howls out a loud “mine” for the whole world to hear.

Chan isn’t one to be a possessive alpha like the ones in the movies are usually portrayed as and the few shitty ones he has already met in real life, but he knows enough about instincts and gut feelings to quickly figure out that Soonyoung is his mate and he  _ wants _ . Badly.

But he reigns himself in with that self-control he has always been proud of himself for and focuses strictly on the dance tryouts and doing his best to get on the team. Soonyoung is ecstatic with Chan’s routine and he talks endlessly about Chan having a for sure spot on the team this year, yet Chan finds himself twiddling his fingers and biting at his lip nervously anyway.

He honestly needn’t have worried because next Tuesday during lunch finds him with a lapful of a very excited Soonyoung announcing to everyone in earshot that Chan officially made the dance team. Chan hurrahs with the rest of his friends and is careful to not let Soonyoung fall from his lap to the cafeteria floor while Soonyoung just throws his arms around his neck and talks a mile a minute about the new choreography he's working on for the team. Junhui is smirking at them both from across the table and Chan very pointedly ignores the omega while listening to Soonyoung continue to chatter. 

From that point on, they are quite inseparable.

Chan has dance practice four times a week and spends his Wednesday afternoons hanging out first in the library, then in the gym playing basketball with his friends, and later at Soonyoung’s place as they watch a movie before doing their homework. They build up to that point slowly and don't always end up at Soonyoung’s place half the time, but they  _ always _ spend time together on the one day of the school week where they don't have dance practice to attend. 

Dance practice brings a full load of issues that Chan forces himself to calmly get through one by one. 

Soonyoung smells deliciously sweet after practice when he’s dripping with his own sweat and panting, trying to gather his breaths and he always decides that this is the best time to hang off Chan’s neck. His scent is heady and invades all of Chan’s senses, but he allows it because Soonyoung flocking to him doesn't mean anything more than his mate trying to find an anchor after exerting himself so much. Alphas are good for that. It’s why there can always be more than one alpha in a pack so they can all share that load of responsibility and duty to the rest of their packmates. Chan puts a hand on the small of Soonyoung’s back, projecting his own calm into the beta for a moment before pulling away again. Soonyoung grins at him for it and then chatters on about a video game he is currently playing, the homework he has to do, and a specific move he is certain he can improve on in their new routine if he had more time to practice.

When the weather begins to harbor the cold bite of winter, Chan finds himself with a shivering Soonyoung often wrapped around him between classes and after school. Soonyoung presses his hands into the pockets of Chan’s sweaters, hoodies, and jackets and then very tentatively into his sleeves where he grips onto Chan’s wrists. The first time it happens, Chan almost jumps out of his skin and Soonyoung smiles in apology before he moves his hands further up and wraps them around Chan’s forearms instead. Minghao teases him endlessly for the way Soonyoung’s scent lingers on him afterward, but the other alpha can’t really say anything when he himself is drowning in both Junhui’s honey warm omega scent and Jihoon’s ashy hot alpha scent. Chan is nice enough not to say anything about it though and endures Minghao’s teasing nonetheless.

Soonyoung gets him new sneakers meant for dance practice on Christmas and then presses a kiss to Chan’s temple when they are at Seungkwan’s New Year’s party and the clock strikes midnight marking the beginning of a new year. Chan has to physically stop himself from melting into a pile of goo and endure the sweet little smile Soonyoung gives him for the rest of the night. When he turns fifteen, he feels his heart stop for the first time because of Soonyoung cupping his face and gifting him with a sweet and chaste kiss on the mouth for his birthday, so Chan can finally tell their friends to stop making fun of him for not having his first kiss yet. 

(Chan does nothing of the sort and keeps the memory of Soonyoung’s soft lips against his locked away in a place where he harbors his most treasured memories instead.)

On Valentine’s Day, Chan tries his luck and sends Soonyoung three candy grams, beaming when he receives five from just Soonyoung alone and two more from his other friends. After school, Soonyoung pouts about not getting five candy grams in return then blushes down to his neck when Chan takes him to the closest convenience store and buys him a flower-scented teddy bear and a large box of Soonyoung’s favorite chocolates. Soonyoung gets him a bouquet of flowers and presses a kiss to his cheek before they say goodbye and head home.

Chan has no doubt that he has been falling in love with Soonyoung ever since the start, but he never says anything about the elder being his mate. He doesn’t want Soonyoung to like him simply because of that fact, or for it to be the reason Soonyoung pays attention to him in the first place.

Graduation draws nearer for the seniors in their groups of friends though and Chan paints a sincere looking smile on his face for the day of because he  _ is _ proud of Soonyoung for graduating, but he is also sad about not being able to see his friend every day like he is used to. Soonyoung is beaming throughout the entire ceremony and Chan yells at the top of his lungs along with his other friends when Wonwoo, Soonyoung, Jihoon, and Junhui have their names called out and they each walk across the stage to receive their diplomas. Afterward, they meet up with the graduates and Chan throws a lei over Soonyoung’s neck and lets the excited beta hug him so tight that he has trouble breathing for a moment. They head to Wonwoo’s for the graduation party once they have all given their congratulations and Soonyoung spends the entire night stuck to Chan’s side. Chan doesn’t mind, but he also cannot deny that he is already beginning to miss Soonyoung as the night goes on.

Summer begins then and Chan finishes all of his summer assignments in the first week or so while Soonyoung chatters at him about his birthday plans. Chan nods his head to let Soonyoung know he still has his attention and when he is finally done, Soonyoung takes them out for ice cream. Chan does his best not to think about the fact that this summer will probably be the last time he gets to spend time with Soonyoung, but he keeps his mouth tightlipped about them being mates and is over often at Soonyoung’s place more than he is at his own.

Neither of their parents tends to notice since Soonyoung’s parents are often never home and Chan’s got used to him being out of the house months ago. Chan is over at Soonyoung’s house on the night before the elder’s eighteenth birthday and curls up with him in his bed, unknowing of the fact that the morning would bring a lot of changes.

Chan wakes up on the fifteenth of June to the fiery, sweet scent of sex, Soonyoung whimpering in his arms, and promptly falls out of Soonyoung’s bed in shock when he realizes that he’s hard and Soonyoung is in  _ heat _ .

_ What the fuck? _

Soonyoung is covered in sweat, his gaze unfocused, and can barely form any words that might try to convince Chan to help instead of leaving like he should. A part of him wants to stay and crawl back into bed, take Soonyoung into his arms and help his mate with his first heat. It is an indescribable kind of want in his bones that urges him to stay put, to reach out to Soonyoung and do  _ something _ , except Chan can’t. They may be mates and friends on top of that, but Chan is in no position to do this. For one, Chan is still underage and he will  _ not _ do that to Soonyoung and for another, Chan isn’t that kind of guy anyway.

So he does the only thing he really can do at this point and gathers his things in his backpack, whispering a litany of apologies as he walks out of Soonyoung’s bedroom and finds his parents in the kitchen. He has to spend an uncomfortable three minutes explaining to them what is happening and winces when Soonyoung’s father tells him that Soonyoung’s scent blockers hid the fact that Soonyoung was an omega quite well if Chan was this thrown off by the heat. They offer to drive him home, but Chan declines and spends the entire walk home wondering what the hell he is supposed to do now.

The answer, he thinks, is to make sure his mate is okay and then try to work from there, so that is what Chan does.

He sends Soonyoung a message as soon as he gets home then plays video games as he waits for a reply. Junhui sends the group chat a message about Soonyoung’s birthday party getting postponed until next week and Chan sighs in relief.

He hasn’t heard anything by the next day and Chan writes it off as Soonyoung being busy. He knows enough about heats to give his parents a wide berth for a few days when his father has his once every four months. Soonyoung is probably still in heat, so Chan hangs out with Minghao instead and shoots off another text to his mate.

By the time Soonyoung’s party rolls around, Chan still has not gotten a response and he takes that as his cue to skip Soonyoung’s party. If the elder doesn’t even want to talk to him, Chan is pretty sure that Soonyoung would not want to see him either. He pretends to be sick and wallows in his own self-pity while all their friends post about the party and Chan feels a sharp jab of hurt strike his chest when he sees a photo of Soonyoung smiling over his birthday cake about to blow out the candles. Chan goes to check Soonyoung’s profile and sits up in shock as he realizes that Soonyoung has  _ blocked him _ .

Soonyoung doesn’t have to be any more clear and Chan is glad he decided not to show up tonight because it turned out to save him from a lot of humiliation by being kicked out. He turns off his phone when Seungkwan and Minghao start to ask about where he’s  _ really _ at and muffles his sobs in his pillow until he is wrung out dry and letting exhaustion take him.

For the rest of his summer, Chan spends his time either by himself or with his family. He asks his dad to disconnect his phone until school picks up again and he deletes all of his social media profiles from his older brother’s phone. His family doesn’t ask any questions, but they can all smell the grief and bitter acceptance coming off him at all hours of the day, so they do what he says and end up going on vacation for a few short weeks in July.

He knows he isn’t handling any of this well at all, but he is hurt and he got rejected by his mate. He’s allowed to roll in the hurt until he cannot bear it anymore, but then sophomore year begins and he is practically attacked by his friends at the entrance gates. Chan tries to brush them off, tries to simply disappear so they will leave him alone as they did during the summer, but Minghao uses his alpha strength to grip onto his sleeve and hold on tight.

Stupid doesn’t begin to cover how he feels, but he puts on a brave face and pretends like everything is fine, gives a lame excuse about being grounded for the summer, then sighs in relief when they all seem to swallow the lie and forgive him anyway.

Chan is careful that year. He holds himself in a certain way, rarely ever letting himself smile, and keeps anybody he doesn’t know very well at arm’s length. He drops out of the dance team, pulls away slowly from everyone, joins less and less of the events his friends plan until they stop including him. By the time his birthday comes around, Chan isn’t surprised when none of them wish him a happy birthday at school. He wanted this hollow loneliness and now he has it.

Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt though.

He swallows that bitter pill anyway and passes sophomore year with excellent grades, not attending the graduation ceremony to see Seokmin, Mingyu, and Minghao off. That summer, his dad disconnects his phone again without Chan having to ask and Chan gets a part-time job to fill his time now that his brother has left for the military.

By senior year, Chan is in therapy and on antidepressants that mess with his head, tweak his biology, and make him smell like he is constantly ill. He debates between undergoing his obligated time in the military as soon as he graduates like his brother did or wait until after college before ultimately deciding that he will go to Seoul University first and the military second. Chan makes sure his grades are still excellent and is valedictorian for his graduating class.

Hansol and Seungkwan manage to catch him after the ceremony when everyone is trying to find their family and friends and they share a minute of awkward conversation since the two came to support him after all. Chan finally notices that the two are holding hands and excuses himself quickly afterward, trying hard not to let his thoughts get the better of him right now. They can probably smell the hurt and sadness clinging to him, but neither omegas follow him and Chan supposes that is that.

Chan works full-time at what was once his summer job a few years before and readies himself for life in Seoul during his last summer at home. On the night before his departure, his parents take him out to eat at his favorite restaurant and in the morning, Chan spends the drive to Seoul worrying about how he will do in college.

College is strange at first due to all the new smells and scents and people. His dormmates are all a lot older than him since they decided to serve time in the army and then took two gap years for themselves first before they came to the university and, unsurprisedly, all three of them are bonded as well. He feels weird sharing space with two alphas like Jeonghan and Jisoo because he doesn’t know them all that well and a lot of alpha posturing happens between the first night and mid-September. They make him a part of their pack on Halloween when they realize what the sickly edge to Chan’s scent is and Chan finds himself enjoying having friends again.

Seungcheol has his first heat in the dorm sometime in November and Chan exiles himself to the library and classes and the dorm building’s communal living space more often than not. On the last day of his exile when Chan hears a very familiar laugh coming towards him, he feels his heart drop into his stomach as his breath freezes in his lungs simultaneously.

He looks up to find Soonyoung standing a few meters away with a surprised expression on his face and Junhui not-so-subtly stepping away and leaving them alone.

Chan can feel the hurt and loneliness he has spent years pressing down build up to momentous heights inside him and he knows Soonyoung can smell it coming off him in waves because the omega winces before he very carefully takes a step forward. Soonyoung takes another step and another until he is pulling out the chair across from Chan and sitting down, hands tangled together tightly in front of him on the table. Chan wants to run, wants to hide and pretend like there isn’t something trying to claw its way out of his chest, but this is unavoidable really.

Soonyoung opens his mouth to say something, eyes wide and his smell much stronger now. Chan has to assume that the elder has stopped wearing scent blockers, but he winces when he can smell very faint remnants of his own scent still lingering on the elder.

“You’re my mate,” Chan whispers, effectively cutting off whatever Soonyoung was going to lead with.

Suddenly, Chan feels so inexplicably tired that he barely notices the fact that he is packing his things away as his phone chimes with an incoming message. He ignores the flabbergasted look on Soonyoung’s face and pulls his phone out of his pocket, relieved to see it is a text from Jeonghan giving him the all clear to return to their dorm. Chan finishes putting his things away then stares at Soonyoung from across the table.

His hair is longer and dyed brown, but his cheeks are still as round and Chan can tell without having to see it himself that the elder’s smile is still the same, too. Chan sighs and stands up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as he starts to round the table and pass by Soonyoung.

“I’ve spent all my heats alone,” Soonyoung says, barely loud enough for Chan’s heightened hearing to pick up.

He wants to stop and ask more about it because,  _ huh _ , that’s - that’s  _ something _ , but it isn’t enough to make him stay. Chan can smell the tears that Soonyoung is fighting back right now and he sighs again, feeling exhausted now as he pats the elder’s shoulder before he leaves.

“I need time,” is what Chan says in response.

When Chan gets back to the dorm, Jisoo immediately latches onto him and scents him quietly as Chan finally breaks down and cries. Jeonghan and Seungcheol join in on the cuddle fest soon after that and nobody asks about it until the next morning when Chan feels more stable. He explains about everything that happened with Soonyoung and winces when he smells the murderous intent rolling off all three of his packmates.

Chan doesn’t try to defend or justify any of Soonyoung’s action because he truly wouldn’t know where to begin. So he simply shakes his head and asks the three to give him time to figure things out before they try and kill his mate. Seungcheol is the first to break and then his alphas follow soon after as well, leaving Chan to later endure being squished between them in the pack nest for another night.

After he runs into Soonyoung in the library that night though, everyone from their old group of friends starts to pop up on campus at random intervals. They all treat Chan exactly the same as they did his freshman year of high school - as if nothing had changed, as if none of them quietly accepted the fact that Chan didn’t want to have friends anymore after Soonyoung - and Chan finds that he can accept that a lot more easily than he can the apologies they lead with before settling down beside him in the grass, in the library, or the canteen. He discovers that Seungkwan shares one of his humanities classes with him and Seokmin is in his math class.

They get his new phone number out of him and Chan quickly finds himself being added to a group chat with everyone from high school - sans Soonyoung. Seungkwan spearheads the plans for a friendly get together at a nearby diner and Chan asks if he can bring three extra people, the tone of his messages going from politely bored to somewhat excited. Chan can say that not everything is well between them just yet, but it is nice to have his old set of friends back and if his pack does not approve then that will be the end of that.

Except, his pack gets along with them extremely well and they know plenty about Junhui, Jihoon, and Minghao since Seungcheol and Jihoon often work on music together. Chan’s old friends seem to quickly slide into place in Chan’s new life and new pack, but Jeonghan and Jisoo have repeatedly reassured him that no one else is going to join the pack unless all four of them are okay with it.

And while Chan is slowly learning how to forgive and be forgiven by the people he was certain as a high school freshman would be his future pack, he begins to talk with Soonyoung.

It is nothing like before and Chan is always wary, always keeping his defenses up, but Soonyoung prattles on enough for Chan’s silence to not be unusual.

He learns about Soonyoung’s year and a half spent in the military with Jihoon and Wonwoo before he enrolled here in Seoul University and got through his first year of college with little to no hitches. Chan holds very still the first time Soonyoung apologizes for how things went down between them, but he never says anything in response and, eventually, Soonyoung starts chattering about something else to distract them.

Chan tries his best to be polite, to even give a damn about what Soonyoung has to say, but the longer it goes on, the longer he feels like shit every hour of every day on end. He has to change his antidepressant prescription twice because of it and Jeonghan hovers over him, making a point to scent him before Chan goes to meet up with Soonyoung.

Soonyoung never asks if Chan is seeing anyone and, in a way, Chan is grateful for that, but he isn’t blind and Soonyoung’s blatant sniffing is beginning to irritate him. So one night when they find themselves sitting by the fountain after leaving the library, Chan tips his head and looks at the sky when he tells Soonyoung that he has a pack and his alphas don’t like Soonyoung much because of what happened.

“I wouldn’t expect them to like me,” Soonyoung says in response, his voice trembling.

Chan merely shrugs. “I don’t understand why you’re trying so hard to apologize to me now.”

“And I don’t understand why you didn’t say we were mates earlier. When we first met would have been nice,” Soonyoung retaliates.

“I wanted you to like me for me, but, obviously, that didn’t work. Being a decent human being resulted in my own broken heart and feeling like a social outcast since it was clear whose side my friends had chosen whether they knew it or not and I don’t really think they did,” Chan mutters, his gut rumbling in distaste with his inner turmoil.

On one hand, Chan wants to be angry at Soonyoung, he wants to berate and argue and fight with him at every opportunity that arises with the elder, but he is just so  _ tired _ . Even being around the omega uses up all of Chan’s energy and having civil conversations with him does twice that. Except, on the other hand, there is still a baseless side of him that wants to sink his teeth in Soonyoung’s throat and claim him as his own no matter the harm his mate has done to him or the hurt he has harbored for so long. Things are not going to be so easily fixed between them, Chan knows this and he hopes that Soonyoung does too, but that hope is dying by the second as Soonyoung opens his mouth to reply.

“There were no sides! There was never a conflict of any kind that would have forced our friends to rally behind someone. What are you even talking about?”

Chan sighs, his body slumping with the exhaled breath. “Your birthday party the week after we last spent time together. Everyone was invited but me and when I checked social media, you had blocked me on everything. So, I withdrew and got my phone disconnected so nobody would be able to talk to me unless they really wanted to.”

The memories of that summer still taunt him at every opportunity and having to drag it all in the open like this right now isn’t helping Chan at all.

“It goes without saying that no one did and by the time school started again, I realized that I didn’t really matter to anyone there. So I withdrew even further and when my birthday passed and no one even said ‘Hi’ to me, I knew that I never had mattered enough to anybody ever,” Chan grits out, standing up when Soonyoung places his hand on his shoulder. “You were just the first person to make me realize it, so thanks for that. I guess.”

“Chan, that isn’t…” Soonyoung trails off, biting his bottom lip as he thinks of what to say.

Chan waits patiently, hating the fact that Soonyoung still looks just as gorgeous now as he did before when Chan was just a bumbling fourteen-year-old trying to stay friends with someone who didn’t actually care about him. Now Soonyoung is trying to make things right because of them being mates and Chan sighs, rubbing a hand over his forehead in frustration.

“Chan, I’ve been in love with you ever since we met. I never said anything because you were just a kid, but I was still selfish enough to keep you close and steal a few things from you anyway and I’m  _ sorry _ ,” Soonyoung sucks in a sharp breath as his voice shakes. “You don’t know how sorry I am because I never meant to make you feel like that. I never meant to make you think I didn’t care because I did. I cared and still care about you so much.”

Chan blinks, feeling uneasy now as Soonyoung begins to cry. He wants to go over and comfort his mate, but he doesn’t want to touch Soonyoung either. He doesn’t know what he should do at all, so he remains standing and crosses his arms over his chest instead.

Soonyoung’s voice is still shaking when he says, “On my eighteenth birthday, I got my first heat and you were  _ right there. _ I was scared I was going to do something stupid like beg you to help me through it and you looked so goddamn guilty as you scrambled for your stuff and left. A part of me was relieved about it because it meant neither of us would make a huge mistake we would instantly regret, but a stronger and pettier side of me was so  _ angry _ that you had left. I was beyond furious for a better part of my heat and it’s why I blocked you on everything then ignored your texts. I thought you were going to come to my birthday party and we could just make up there in person because I didn’t want to do it over text.”

“Except I didn’t go,” Chan whispers, his sudden realization of the situation giving him a massive headache. “Your radio silence made it very clear to me that you didn’t want me there, so I pretended to be sick and didn’t go. I thought it was the right thing to do. I  _ thought _ it was what you wanted.”

“I  _ did _ want you there! I was so fucking devastated when you didn’t show and nobody wanted to tell me where you were or if you were just running late or something. I thought they were all covering for you because you were angry with me and didn’t want to be friends anymore, so I just didn’t bother anymore either. I thought you didn’t want me in your life in any way, shape, or form,” Soonyoung confesses, wiping at his face aggressively. “We should have just talked about it then instead of making assumptions and turning it into  _ this _ , but even with all of that, I was still in love with you. Which is so fucking weird considering I was an adult and you were just a kid.”

Chan pinches the bridge of his nose and tries his best to remain calm. “I was still in love with you too, even though I didn’t want anyone to love me back. It was strange, but you’re still my mate and we are both  _ huge _ idiots and I’m sorry for anything I might have done that hurt you, too. I don’t think we can go back to how we were ever again, honestly, but maybe we could try being friends again and just see where that goes.”

Soonyoung nods, sniffling as he continues to try and wipe his face clean. “It wouldn’t hurt to try at least.”

“It might hurt, just a little,” Chan says with a tiny smile and a sprinkling of humor lacing his tone. “Or a lot, but we won’t know until we try.”

“Right,” Soonyoung says with his own smile in response.

Chan nods, feeling his heartbeat quicken in his chest at the sight. “Right.”

**Author's Note:**

> as always, another big happy birthday for svt's baby. you deserve the entire world, lee chan uwu
> 
> thanks for reading! yell at me on [tumblr](https://junhaoclub.tumblr.com)


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